Does the Chrysler Sebring Deserve the Reputation of Blandness?

"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain) 10/08/2015 at 22:21 • Filed to: chrysler sebring, review, chrysler, sebring, cars

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The Chrysler Sebring has become a synonym of the worst thing a car can be: Completely bland. The Sebring is known as a car that commits the cardinal sin of having literally no character. Some cars are good. Some cars are bad. Some cars are ugly. But very few cars simply… exist, like the booths full of mannequin families eating at your local Applebees. The father asks his kids about what they did in school that day, discusses the workday with his wife, and then onto fiscal responsibilities while the children draw circles on their paper placemats. He orders two beers, because this his night to cut loose and have a good gourmet dinner with his family.

It looked something like this, who cares.

You think this until you drive one. And then you discover that they do have character! They’re completely hateful. Absolutely and utterly dreadful. The car I drove was a 2002 model, and I don’t remember how many miles it had, because for the 4 hours I was vacuuming what must have been nine metric pounds (approx 16.2 Kg) of sand from the driver’s side carpet, the dash displayed only the word “deck”, because Chrysler. I think it was around 140k, but no more. Anyways it didn’t feel broken, just horrible. And I know exactly why.

See? Deck.

90’s Chrysler was a brand without an identity, as I alluded to in my (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT) !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . If you think about it, the difference between Dodge and Chrysler basically boiled down to a crosshair grille and the badge mounted on it. This is where the blandness stereotype comes in, aided by the 5/10 looks and name worthy of a boring East Coast village with one gas station, one church, a population exclusively over the age of 70, and not so much as a romantic little B&B. But the only part DCAG with more of a crisis than Chrysler’s identity was the design of their cars.

The engine is a 2.7L, 24 valve, DOHC V6, a Chrysler LH series, and it is by far and away the least exciting dual cam engine I’ve ever driven. It doesn’t have a rollercoaster, “climbing on the cam” feel, which is the most emotionally engaging part of the dual cam setup. So whereas you normally feel excited when you stab the gas, the EER engine will continually disappoint when it’s full reserves are called up. Which they are constantly, because there’s no way in hell this thing actually makes around 200 horsepower, and even it does, they claim that figure at 5800 RPM, which is about as far she’ll rev. My 2003 Grand Prix GT with 230k miles would smoke this pile like a purple stick, with the “same” horsepower, same amount of gears, 20 more TQ, and 150 lbs more weight to drag around. Of course, this could just be due to oil sludge buildup because apparently Chrysler forgot that the manner in which an engine is lubricated is the most important factor in it’s longevity.

It’s hard to tell, but that cupholder is ridiculously placed

The trans is a 4 speed “Ultradrive” unit, which must be facetious named. It’s rougher than the driveway of a cowboy’s 10,000 acre ranch, and for all that jolting about, it’s not even fast. And don’t even get me started on downshifts. That is, if you can manage to make it properly downshift. The TPS in this car is asleep until you forcefully kick it like a redheaded stepchild’s soccerball into consciousness, at which point it shifts into first at 6000 RPMS, instantly runs out of breath, and switches to second, where it should have been all along.

But not everyone needs a great engine. Not everyone needs a good transmission. But everyone deserves a car that feels like a proper box of metal, whereas I’ve felt nipples stiffer than the Sebring. Some floppiness is to be expected when you have the exquisitely stupid idea of chopping a 4 door sedan into a convertible. Through what I can only imagine was a fierce devotion to making the worst car ever, the crack team of engineers managed to devise a chassis that was almost as flexible side to side as it was up and down. And boy, when you’re on a rough Michigan backroad trying to make time back to work, this is the scariest properly put together car I’ve ever driven. Every bump is magnified by the terribly rough suspension and wet paper towel rigidity, bouncing you around the road while the wind makes your massive vinyl top it’s bitch, further reducing the predictability of the handling.

This crap again....

Oh and remember when I said this car was basically a Dodge? I lied. It IS a Dodge, albeit wearing seven lbs of makeup and hoping you won’t notice how hard it’s trying to get laid. IT HAS A GODDAMN FAKE CARBON FIBER DASH, surrounding a DCAG parts bin radio and HVAC controls. The materials are all hard plastic and cloth designed specifically to gather lint and look boring. It’s not even well thought out, being so uncomfortable I had to do yoga in a parking lot full of wrecked cars after driving a mere 35 minutes to the body shop. Both armrests give you shoulder pain, the seat gives you back pain, and you have to stretch so far to reach the cupholders that you can barely see over the dash. Mind you, I’m normal height, five foot 11, so who the hell did they make this car for?

There are only two things I like about this car, and one of them doesn’t even count. I truly do like the gauges, they’re crisp, well colored, and simple. And I appreciate the fact that it has an electric roof, even if it doesn’t sit right with me. You see, it still requires that you manually do up the latches in the front every time. Disregarding that, who the hell actually wants to be seen in a Sebring? One of the few remaining nice days of the year, the excitement of an electric roof, and I still couldn’t bring myself to do it until I had the car safely in the detailing shop, where no girls could judge me. Mind you, this is coming from a guy who drove top down through the winter in a Miata. It takes a serious image problem for me to not want to be seen in it. I can’t think of a much worse car that’s been hacked into a convertible, even the Pontiac Sunfire. At least that was economical.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Swayze Train GTi 10/08/2015 at 22:30

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Honestly Ive driven a few before. Almost got one for a first car. I really didn’t think they were THAT bad.. It seemed to be another car..just without a roof. It wont win any races, it isn’t the best at handling. But if you want a drop top that isn’t very small, this is really the only affordable option

Swayze Train GTi > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 10/08/2015 at 22:34

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The problem as I see it is that everything else is sacrificed for the droptop. The looks, handling, comfort, feeling of safety, weight, and as I mentioned before, people will see you!

Convertibles should be designed as convertibles, not half assed like this.

functionoverfashion > Swayze Train GTi 10/08/2015 at 22:37

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Oh, that hvac control... why did anyone ever think it was sufficient to combine the control for where the air goes with the a/c on/off control? Ford did that for a while too. WTF was that?!

Swayze Train GTi > functionoverfashion 10/08/2015 at 22:39

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The 90s, man. We were all so coked up on consumerism that we didn’t care what we were buying, we just bought stuff even though it was shit

crowmolly > Swayze Train GTi 10/08/2015 at 22:42

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I had one as a rental car a bunch of times and did not care for it every time. The blandness was one thing, but I REALLY hated the accelerator.

I remember it being so bad that passengers would ask what the hell I was doing behind the wheel. The throttle had 3 settings- Very slow, Slow, and WFO. I tested it in an empty parking lot one of the times.

crowmolly > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 10/08/2015 at 22:43

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Did you find the accelerator to be funky (with the base engine)?

JR1 > Swayze Train GTi 10/08/2015 at 23:05

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The Sebring convertible is one of my favorite fwd cars. Simple, attractive (if optioned correctly), and most importantly the top comes off. On a sunny day it is great for a little drive.

Swayze Train GTi > JR1 10/08/2015 at 23:10

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If all you want to do is drive on a sunny day, why not pick a Miata? Far cheaper to run and maintain, won’t break as much, rides better (not even joking), and is enjoyable when you decide to put your foot down?

I hate to be that Jalopnik guy, but I owned a 93 NA, and it was better in every respect except number of seats. And I do mean every.

JR1 > Swayze Train GTi 10/08/2015 at 23:19

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It has less seats. Some people need toe extra two seats and don't want to be cramped in a small car. I'm not saying it isn't better but they address separate needs in the market segment.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > Swayze Train GTi 10/08/2015 at 23:21

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I breifly drove my friends ‘04 Sebring convertible and didn’t find it at all worthy of the bad name it has. The only problem I had with his was that the brake pedal pretty much went to the floor before doing anything, which isn’t really the cars fault. I thought the 2.7 felt plenty quick for what the car was and the transmission was fine. Interior was typical 2000s American car but that was to be expected. I had no problem being seen crusing with the top down a major interstate where everyone could see me, but I was also driving a GMC safari with peeling paint at the time so anything was an improvement. Maybe I had low expectations going in because of all the shit talk about them, but I couldn’t really find any fault with it. It’s a cheap convertible that actually sits 4 people. That’s about it and that’s about all it needs to be

Swayze Train GTi > JR1 10/08/2015 at 23:32

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I suppose, but the Chrysler didn’t fulfill it well in my opinion. I understand the convertible appeal, but that was the only thing it did well. As I said, it’s got a Dodge interior, it’s not fast in the straights, even for what it is (I seriously cannot believe that HP figure), and the chassis rigidity and drivetrain layout destroy any hope of handling capability. The chassis also makes it scary at speed and incredibly uncomfortable.

I hate to disagree with you so much, but I really struggled to find any redeeming features in this vehicle. The sad thing is, if they had just gotten one of those things right it could have been okay.

StndIbnz, Drives a MSRT8 > Swayze Train GTi 10/09/2015 at 10:35

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First car was a 97 Breeze (model before this one), 2nd car was a 2002 Stratus with the 2.4L. Kept that car from 2005 - 2013, never had any issues, put lots of miles on it and loved it for what it was. They were fine cars, especially when you look at what else was out there (Malibu, Contour, anything else that looked about the same, it wasn’t a good time for design.)

Could be made good looking, see Stratus R/T.

Also, there weren’t many verts around then either. Sure you had the Mustang, but if you wanted a vert that wasn’t a pony car, you didn’t have much else.

wiffleballtony > Swayze Train GTi 10/09/2015 at 11:20

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I’m not going to diminish the cars terribleness in anyway because the Sebring is the worst car I have ever driven. However, at least this model is convertible which at least distracts you from the car itself in some measure. I was punished with a rental sedan once, the interior had worn like a family of badgers had lived in it for a year with only 20k on the clock. The interior plastics paint had chipped and peeled and scratched off. The engine was the most gutless thing I could imagine for its displacement. Seats were not comfortable and there was very little room anywhere.

wiffleballtony > Swayze Train GTi 10/09/2015 at 11:21

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While that would be true in a normal car, it already lacked the qualities you would sacrifice to get the drop top.